All   About   Sex  

Notes For Parents


An Important Article Every Parent Needs To Read ( Mature Subject Matter )

The Goals & Intent Of This Website

What You'll Find Here

Language & Humor = Fun & Communication

What Others Are Saying About AAS

Kids Are Speaking Out !

What Is Our Stance On Teaching Abstinence?

Talking To Your Kids About MasturbationNEW

Congress Votes To Hurt TeensNEW
By Putting Parental Control Ahead Of Teen Health Rights

Keeping This Site A Safe Place
If we don't provide our children with outlets for their sexual exploration and their sexual expression, then the child predators out there will be happy to do it for us.

If Your Child Discovered This Site By Accident

Child Sexual Abuse, Teen Sex Hysteria
How It Hurts Our Society

Parental Control Software

New Study On Puberty Makes A Very Surprising Finding:
Finding Says Puberty Actually Begins Around Age 6 (yes, we said SIX !)

How You Can Help

A Good Book:   AIDS-Proofing Your Kids!
   (outside link)

Why We Need Better Sex Education
NEWSex-Positive Parents Need To Insist On It



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All Rights Reserved


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The Goals & Intent Of This Website Project

Even though you'll find that we often speak directly to kids throughout this website, it is our intent for this website to be a place where both kids and parents are welcome.  Actually, We   (we meaning those adults, teens and kids participating in and maintaining this website)  want this to become a tool for parents to use in addressing sex and sexual issues in their family.  Being a site with very positive viewpoints on sexuality - and that does include natural childhood sexuality - the primary goal of this project is to give parents a tool for discussing more controversial topics, and to get people to open their minds to ideas about sex that our society in the past has not been able to discuss openly and rationally. 

We also want to provide a place where adults, kids and teenagers can express themselves and can learn about sex and sexuality in a safe, moderated atmosphere (at this time, no sections of this site are unmoderated or unsupervised), and most importantly, an atmosphere where they are encouraged to feel good about their sexuality.  Everyone's feedback is encouraged, but naturally, this site is about what sexual issues and questions are on the minds of teens and soon-to-be-teens.  What do they think and understand about sex?  What do they think and understand about emerging sexuality and self-discovery?  What do they think and understand about the most controversial of sexual topics?  Also, what sexual topics do they WISH adults would explain honestly and without "beating around the bush"  (pun intended).

More than anything we want this to be a SAFE and COMFORTABLE place where people of all ages can speak out and say just exactly what they think about things without worrying that their name or email address is going to show up with their comments (ALL submitted comments will be screened and posted with a correct age and first name ONLY.).  We have taken numerous measures at All About Sex to make sure this is a completely safe website for kids to explore, and this is explained in our Website Safety detail.

Our original intent was NOT to answer questions sent in, or to direct them to professional sex educators for fact-based answers posted for all to see.   That, however, is not how things have gone, and we have to admit that the kids themselves have shaped and indicated the direction this website needed to go, requiring us to re-think that early decision.   Finding professional sex educators willing to give their time (and stick with it, or respond quickly) has not been that easy, and even though we discouraged questions at first, they poured in - by the hundreds (and hundreds, and hundreds) !!  

And the content of those questions and messages???   Whoa!   Some VERY mature subject matter, extensive and complex sexual behaviors, and questions, not about "the facts of life", rather, questions about their own behavior, seeking approval or disapproval.   We can't even begin to answer all the email we are getting every week, but we are trying to pick and choose those situations where we can emphasize a particular point or teach a lesson.   Sometimes they get the "approval" they sought (from our offering of an honest and frank opinion), and sometimes they don't. It just depends, and a great deal of thought, concern, honest caring and responsibility go into our detailed replies.   Those who get replies are often surprised they got answered on the site and very impressed and pleased with the in-depth reply, even when it is not what they wanted to hear.

Kids today ARE much more mature and knowledgeable about the world around them, and are VERY AWARE of the sex and sexuality that surrounds them.   Too many adults today think of childhood as being what it was like when they or their parents grew up, which is a serious mistake.   Kids today are so much more sophisticated and self-aware of their sexuality than any previous generation, in our opinion, and we believe that they CAN, indeed, handle frank and explicit discussions about sex.   Not only can they handle it, they are very likely to LEAD it, having definite feelings and opinions of their own, and we try very hard not to ever "talk down" to them.   Dateline NBC once did a great one-hour special on children and sex, with experiments to see how much sexual inuendo and hidden jokes that kids are not supposed to even notice the kids picked up on, and boy, did their parents ever get a shock!   It was really quite funny - the kids did not miss a single inuendo, and the 9-11 year olds were quite adept and animated at describing the off-screen sexual behavior.   For instance, they knew exactly what the whipped cream was for when Jeff Foxworthy took it upstairs to where his obviously horny wife was waiting - it was a kick to see the kid's eyes light up and to hear them describing (between lots of giggling) how he was probably getting her naked and putting whip cream on her body - especially "down there" - and then licking it off.   The parents observing behind one-way glass nearly had a major mass-reaction heart-attack!! - but when pressed by the commentator to explain their horror, or how their child was hurt by knowing that whipped cream is sometimes associated with sex, or how their child was in any way "harmed" by the sexual humor, not a one could come up with a real answer.)

If you think that childhood hasn't changed that much since your own, or that children today are no more worldly or knowledgeable or aware, then you need to spend a couple of Saturday mornings watching the kid's cartoons like Disney's "One Saturday Morning", or "Fox Kids", or Warner Brothers' "Histeria".   You'll change your mind real fast.   Their cartoons are incredibly smart and contemporary, and have a humor that is far more complex and sophisticated than anything we ever grew up with.   They are also more real-life, more life-lessons-based, and more sexual than most adults would guess.   Don't take our word for it - watch them yourself and see how they are different.   Oh, and in case it isn't clear, we think they are GREAT!   This is a GOOD thing!   We should not fear our children understanding and enjoying and appreciating sexual humor that is not overly vulgar and that is not degrading to women.   Sexual humor is great for learning about sex and feeling more at ease, sexually, around our kids.   That is why we have an entire section dedicated just to sexual humor that is age-appropriate - it can really help to "break the ice" in talking to your child about sex.


When kids fill out any poll here, or tell about having been caught masturbating, or give their opinions on sexual issues (or ask questions), no information about email addresses or personal information is transmitted at all - only what they specifically type into the body of their message, and everyone is reminded on those pages that they should NEVER give out their full name, address, or phone number, etc., and there are rules that must be followed.

We also want kids, teens and parents to know that there is a sort-of safety net of caring adults and older teens here who each watch over the site and notify the webmaster immediately if they see something inappropriate, hateful, or untruthful that somehow got thru our screening.  They should also know that there is no way for a sexual predator to try and contact anyone through this website.  There is not a chat room or open-posting forum here at this time.  There may be in the future if there is a significant demand and we can get enough professional educators or counselors to moderate, or "chaperone" those pre-scheduled sessions (Ugh! Chaperones?? Kids love chaperones, don't they?  yeah, right.

On the news the other day we saw a feature about the dangers for kids on the Internet and how parents need to know what's going on.  All of the young teenagers interviewed said that they were well aware of the dangers, and nearly all had been sexually approached in a chatroom by an adult, but they knew that if they were smart about what they said and did, they were not in danger.  One girl, 16, made an excellent point that we had not thought of.   She said that teens naturally want to explore their sexuality (yeah, ...we knew that)  That it is one big part of adolescence, and if adults would stop and really think about themselves at that age, they will realize that their curiosity is really quite normal (ok - we knew that, too)  But the Internet provides them an avenue that their parents never had:  a way for kids to explore their sexuality, including flirting as a form of "sex-rehearsal play", without the risks they would be taking exploring it in a real setting (ya know... like a back seat?)

You know, she just might have something there!  (I'll bet she would say that this website is a great idea!)

If you would like to learn more about the safety measures we have taken on this website to ensure that kids do not run into any predators here, read about our Website Safety.


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What You'll Find Here

Obviously, the information presented here is of an open and frank sexual nature and there is no "tap dancing" around sensitive topics.  Hopefully, that will actually be a comfort to you because it will present "touchy" subjects that you can then talk with your child about, without you having to think of a way to bring them up.  The topics discussed, articles/essays posted and the polls taken on this site are intended to be different than what the typical child will learn from most formal sex education/AIDS education programs, or from those websites on the net (although we provide many good links to them)

One thing we did differently is that we actually listened to what teens and pre-teens really wanted to know about sex - what questions they would ask if they could do so completely anonymously, knowing that they would get a straight answer (NO pun intended *grin*)

So many of today's sex education programs are severely restricted in what they may say and what answers are "allowed" to kid's many questions ~ mostly due to reliance on federal and state funds (don't get us started!)   We are under no such restrictions and do not have paid sex educators - all are volunteers doing this on their own time.  We know that these restrictions have had a powerful affect on programs and have sent kids many negative messages about sex - supposedly for their own good... but more likely because of political pandering. 

At AAS, kids will get honest, careful, responsible and UNRESTRICTED answers, and there is no hidden agenda here (that's not too say we don't have an agenda... certainly we do - it is called a "Mission Statement", and ours should be pretty clear.")

Within the walls of All About Sex you will find a wide number of sexual issues and topics, and some of them will probably make you uncomfortable.  Some will please you and some will make you angry.  But ALL of them should make you THINK.  Our society needs to learn how to discuss highly controversial subjects without the "knee-jerk" reaction so prevalent today.  Many of these topics, if we will just stop over-reacting to them and calmly, rationally think about them, may turn out to be less controversial than we thought.  We might even see a side to the issue that we had never considered before, which helps us to better understand the controversy.  It is only when we understand the various sides to an issue and are ready to discuss it calmly and rationally, that we can begin to effectively deal with it.

Within this site you will find the topics we just mentioned, along with either established facts about it, or someone's well-expressed personal viewpoint (clearly marked with the author's name, or marked as another person's comment) to get the conversation started.  After that you will find the viewpoints of others who have spoken out and submitted their comments or published their articles elsewhere on the net.  Some of those comments will come from adults, teens and pre-teens who have visited this website.  Other comments will be actual articles or essays on these topics written by other outspoken people on the Internet.  For instructions on how to add your comments to those already posted there is a specific page called "Speak Your Mind!".

There are three other things besides opinions and commentary on this website - some basic sex-education information, a sexual humor section, and possibly later a section that explores various forms of tasteful erotica (such as erotic storytelling, fine-art erotic photography, etc), different lifestyles, and that may have slightly more adult humor and links.   Now, before you panic, anything strongly explicit would be behind a password-protected wall for obvious reasons.  Unless your child is mature, intelligent and determined enough to work through a sort-of puzzle to figure out the correct password, they will not be permitted entry.  If they are that mature, intelligent and determined, it is highly likely that they will find as much of that material as they want elsewhere.  At least here, even that material will have been posted honestly and with responsibility.  No definite decision has been made about this section and it may never go up - it depends on how everyone feels about it at the time.  If we do, we'll give everyone plenty of notice.

You might not agree with everything said here, or with every topic we bring up for discussion, but keep in mind that this presents you with an opportunity to discuss with your child exactly how YOU feel about it, good or bad.  Something that we feel is important to remember is that kids need and want to know how their parents feel about things that are not part of everyday conversation (wouldn't it be great if they could be?).  The old notion that whatever kids want to know about sex they will ask their parents is finally being proven to be wrong - at least in kids over 7.  Parents need to tell their children about sex BEFORE they start to discover and learn about it on their own.

One word of caution for parents:  Some professionals believe that it is possible that some parents - because they want to reverse the repression they were brought up with - may actually go too far in the other direction, over-sexualizing their children.  Even though well-intended, it probably isn't a good idea to push them into discussions they do not wish to have, or push them into anything at all, actually (that really should go without saying).  It is also probably not a good idea to deluge them with too much information at one time. 

That is one of the problems with waiting until puberty to discuss sex - parents keep putting it off, further and further, often until something dramatic happens to force the issue.  And then presenting the whole thing about sex, feelings, pleasure, disease, risks, pregnancy, contraception, safe sex, condoms, and so on, well - of course it can be overwhelming to many kids.  But if you start out very early talking openly about sex, about their bodies, encouraging them to be comfortable with nudity, their body, and feelings they have that they may not really understand, well, then you get to present all of this to them spread out over time.   One good way to handle it is giving them good, factual and age appropriate information a little bit at a time - in regular, everyday conversation (as opposed to having "The Talk" with them, which adds to the awkwardness).   Just be careful about over-compensating for the past.

We are working on a collection of excellent books parents may want to consider for themselves, and for their children.  That list of resources will be available shortly, but in the meantime, there is one book in particular for parents, and one set of books for kids, that we can suggest.

For Parents:

    "Talking With Your Child About Sex" - Questions and Answers for Children from Birth to Puberty - Ballantine Books 31379 - 1982, 154pp - by Dr. Mary S. Calderone and Dr. James W. Ramey.

    It may be hard to find, but until they run out you can get it from "The Sexuality Library"  at www.goodvibes.com - which is a division of "Good Vibrations" - just follow their sex education and library links.


For Kids:

    "A Kid's First Book About Sex" & "The Playbook For Kids About Sex" - A Down There Press book and workbook - 1980 - by Joani Blank and Marcia Quackenbush

    Great books that are available at the same place, "The Sexuality Library" at www.goodvibes.com, a division of Good Vibrations/Open Enterprises


We'll have a more detailed list up shortly - thanks for being patient.


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Language and Humor = "FUN"!     Which = Better Communication

We did not throw this in just for the heck of it, we assure you.  We have read, studied, discussed and most importantly, we have LISTENED to what kids think about sex-education today and one thing is very obvious to us (if not to the professional educators).  Sex-Ed has become B-O-R-I-N-G !  Even more sadly, kids are telling us just how negative much of the sex education in school programs and extracurricular programs has become.  "Political correctness" has taken over the general population, and right now, the intent of improving our unwanted teen pregnancy rate has snowballed into a true WAR against teens and sexuality.   We are hoping this ridiculous p.c. hysteria doesn't last much longer, and we recognize it might get worse before it gets better.   But it *IS* going to get better, kids - we're sure of it - it's just going to take some time (and some extreme cases with national publicity - which we are seeing already).
SOMEONE is listening to you, kids
Kids are telling us that the currently p.c. atmosphere is so discouraging that they are desperately seeking POSITIVE, encouraging and actually HELPFUL information about having sex.  Part of our encouragement is to use sexual humor to teach important lessons and to keep the site interesting.  We also want to balance between presenting the war against teen sex and exposing their lies and deception (which is very sad and depressing these days), and keeping the light, humorous, informal environment here. 

The biology of human reproduction is fascinating, but only the first couple of times you hear about it.  For reasons we would love to go into (but will spare you our "soapbox" for now), our policy-makers have kept the focus of sex education in school on what happens when the egg and sperm meet, and what awful diseases one can get from having sex and how it will totally ruin your life if you have sex before the law allows.  Only recently have they begun to address relationship and sex, and even that is almost completely about teaching kids to fear and to "just say no" to sex   (ALL sexual activity).

It isn't what kids today WANT or need to learn about sex.  It isn't what we should be focusing on in public sex education classes. 

What kids want to know about sex is how it affects them in their daily life.  They want to know what sex feels like, what is good about it and what is bad.  They want to figure out how they will know when sex is or is not right for them at that point in their lives, and they want to know about the skills they will need in order to be a good partner when they do decide to become sexually active.  They also want to know what is "normal" behavior and at what ages. 

Because of national "child sexual abuse" and "kiddie-porn-satanic-cult" hysteria in America, our sex education professionals seem to be hesitant to give any of these things to children.  We hear them saying things like "we can't let kids get excited - it might be misperceived... " and "we must avoid doing anything that might stimulate the children".  We want learning about reading, about math, about science and so on to be stimulating to our children, but we do not dare make learning about sex stimulating!

Sex simply *IS* a very, very stimulating part of human life.  Talking about sex, and about sexy things, is SUPPOSED to be stimulating!  It is perfectly normal to get excited when talking about sex and sexual things. Even though we know that there will be sex educators out there who will not approve, we believe that learning about sex can be, and SHOULD BE FUN and stimulating!  That is one reason why we have chosen such controversial subjects to tackle - learning about sex should also be intellectually stimulating and speaking their minds about sexual issues will help them form clearer ideas on how they, personally, feel or believe about these things.

As we have done this site we have tried to interject the same humor and style that we would use if simply having a face-to-face conversation with teens and pre-teens.  We have tried to use language that kids today are comfortable with and we want to dispell the old ideas that words like "penis", "breasts" and "vulva" or "clitoris" are "dirty" words.  we also sometimes use contemporary slang, such as "dick", "pussy" and "clit" to help kids associate the subject with whatever they may have heard about it at school and from friends.  we can assure you that kids are perfectly comfortable with this kind of language, even if their parents are not.  A side note: 5/2/98 - positive responses from parents about this site and it's unique approach - including the humor and explicit language - has been overwhelming!

We do not believe that sexual humor or even erotic storytelling is harmful to kids, providing they are not made to feel bad, dirty or guilty about it, and providing they do not feel it is nescessary to hide it from their family.  In both areas we have tried very hard to keep the humor light and non-judgemental.  We have also tried to be responsible about what we post, and we hope you will agree that the stuff we've put up is non-harmful and helps to break any tension between parent and child about sex.  When was the last time you and your child shared a knowing smile or laugh over something sexual?



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If Your Child Discovered This Website By Accident

Please know that this was not our intent.  Please also know that we have taken a number of measures to prevent children from "stumbling" onto this website by accident.  We carry the appropriate parental control software ratings (even though we are personally opposed to witholding any information about sex and sexuality being sought out by any child)   and have intentionally avoided <META> keywords likely to draw unsuspecting children, something that we observe irresponsible "adult" websites doing (like "Bambi", etc.)

As a matter of fact, the way we have designed this site, our description tags, ratings, keywords, etc. is with the intent that ONLY those children actively seeking out information on sex should find it.  Our promotion efforts of this website, to be perfectly honest, is practically zero, and we are not trying to indoctrinate children into anything they were not already seeking information on.  Ninety percent of what we say and teach here is exactly as you would find in any of a couple dozen PRO-sexuality sex education books for kids and for parents.

Now, to any parent horrified to learn that your child has been visiting this website unsupervised...   you really should take a moment and consider why your child was here in the first place.  It seems obvious that they have a curiosity about sex that is not being addressed by you or by public education.  Please really look this site over closely before "panicking" or scolding.  Although there is some explicit language used here, we try to be responsible about what we post or say, and there is nothing pornographic here at all. 

Additionally, this is a very SAFE website for your child to visit as there is currently no chat room, no unsupervised posting of messages or comments, and any comment made through the "Speak Your Mind!" form is provided to us without any trace of the sender's identity or email address.  We have gone to significant effort to provide kids with a SAFE, healthy and FUN way to explore sex and sexuality.

Maybe next time, you'll visit here ALONG WITH your child - we welcome parental participation!.


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Parental Control Software

This site recognizes and follows parental control guidelines for Internet websites.  You can see in the source code for the home page that the site has been rated by two different parental control standards, one from Safe Surf and one from RSAC.  These, along with a «META» description and «META» keywords, are designed to make sure that people NOT looking for sexual information or material don't accidentally stumble into this website.  Also, there are very few photographs on this site and if any of them show any nudity at all it is for a very specific reason or an example of something controversial.  There are absolutely NO pornographic photos on this site, so please don't worry about your children seeing explicit sexual graphics here.  Again, we am trying to walk a fine line between keeping kid's interest and being a responsible netizen.
RSAC RATED WEBSITE      SAFESURF RATED SITE

If you have learned that this is a site your child has visited unsupervised, there are definitely some things for you to think about.  Hopefully, you will understand the goals and intent of this site and recognize that it is a good place for your child or teenager to explore their sexuality without the dangers of wandering into sexual chatrooms.

That being said, we want to add a personal comment about parental control of children's lives.  we believe that it is simply wrong for a parent to try and control a child's natural sexuality and curiosity about sex.  The operative word being "control".  we know that people are really into "protecting" children from harm and we am very pleased that parents are taking greater interest in their children's lives.  However, we worry that in their zealousness to protect that they will present their child from learning information that could later save their lives.  we am also very concerned about the right to privacy that every child needs and should have and we am critical of those parents who feel that this is the only way to ensure that their kids don't go where they've been told not to.  we know it sounds very judgemental, but we truly believe that if their child had been raised to know that there is absolutely nothing in this world the child could say, read or do that they could not talk about with their parents, the parent would know that they can trust the child.  If the child knows about sexual predators and how they work, at home behind the computer should be a safe place.  we wonder whether those parents stop to consider the harm that could come from showing their child that they do not trust them or from witholding potentially life-saving information about sex.


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© Copyright 1997 / All About Sex /rbb
All Rights Reserved
www.AllAboutSex.org


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Keep in mind that showing contrasting points of view presents you with an opportunity to make sure your child knows how you feel about that particular subject.










What's Our Stand On Teaching Abstinence?

Well, to start with, even among those of us wanting to promote healthy sexual attitudes have different feelings about abstinence education.  One thing we DO agree on is that the current attempt by religious conservatives to pressure school boards and politicians into promoting "Abstinence-Only" programs is wrong, is unrealistic and unfair, is irresponsible, and is dangerous.

Since there is not a clear concensus about whether teaching abstinence as part of a comprehensive sex education program (comprehensive meaning they teach about a large variety of sexual issues and base the teaching on firmly established facts) is the right thing to be doing, or whether it is really wise to encourage abstinence (or is it just being "politically correct"?), I will speak only for myself on this subject.   Not everyone here agrees with me, except that we all disagree with any kind of "Abstinence-Only" program.

To be blunt, I strongly oppose the encouragement of abstinence, and especially the "Abstinence Contracts" I've seen gaining in popularity, which have got to be one of the most ridiculous things I ever heard of.   Actually making your child sign a written contract saying that they will resist and ignore every natural, normal sexual feeling they experience (of course, most parents can't acknowledge that their children have sexual feelings or desires).   And it adds yet one more pressure to adolescence - saying to the children... if you have sex, you will be violating my "trust" in you...   it just sounds to me like these parents believe that they "own" their children's bodies - I mean if I, as a 15 year old so-called "child" decide to have sex, why should that be a violation of my parent's anything??!!    How incredibly arrogant!

I do, actually, have a long list of carefully thought-out reasons why I believe the way that I do, and I am working on a detailed explanation now.  You might not agree with me, and I can respect that, but I have a feeling that when you really start thinking these things through, you will realize that just maybe I have some good points.   I think we are making a mistake by pushing kids into abstaining from sexual activity, and to be perfectly honest, I DO have an argument for all those who exclaim that kids just aren't prepared for the responsibilities that come with becoming sexually active...         ...if that is true, whose fault, exactly, is that?!!   Who isn't preparing them?   Yeah, people, it's us ADULTS... not the kids!

It's not their fault!     So why do we put the burden of this un-preparedness on THEM?     It is time for us to stop falling on this very lame excuse for our own failure to properly prepare our children for their body changes and hormone increases that signal us that they are not "little kids" anymore.   We adults need to step up to the plate and do our job - GET THEM READY!

And if you don't think kids are getting the message from these abstinence programs that sex is BAD, you need to go read through some of our "Kids Speak Out!" pages and see just what, exactly, they are getting from these programs.  You may be in for a big surprise.


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Warner Brother's "Histeria"

This fantastic new cartoon on the W.B. has got to be the cleverest and boldest cartoon series we've ever seen, and we think you will agree.   Talk about smart, sophisticated and daring humor!   You gotta check this one out for yourself!

Basically, they have taken the current day hysterias about the Internet, kids having sex, and teenagers, and used that hysteria as a tool for humor and teaching how common hype, hysteria and propaganda have been used for years to shape and to teach kids history in a more pleasant, just not all that truthful, way.   They re-tell various events in history, such as the discovery of America, the Vikings plundering Europe, the Christian Crusades and Spanish Inquisition, and they even take on the Roman Catholic Church.   Their viginettes are hilarious and I have been shocked a couple of times now by it, and it takes a LOT to shock this guy!

They have regular characters, such as the Network Censor (who regularly interrupts the show from her desk to spout some psycho-babble about how telling the truth is NOT "appropriate" material for children) - her name, by the way, is "Miss Information" (get it?).   There is a gruff-voiced little boy named "Peeping Tom", and a host of other funny characters that make a political statement just by their very name.

Check it out for yourself - it is a great cartoon for adults and kids alike, and is brutally honest.  

It is on Saturday mornings, 11:30 am central time, and in the afternoons during the week, all on the W.B.


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This is a typical gym class in Japan:

Believe it or not!

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