All   About   Sex  
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A Little Humor...


We know...  this site is supposed to be about discussing sexual issues, and learning about sex.   But we firmly believe that sex is not only serious and beautiful,  it can be, and should be FUN, too.   It can also be FUNNY!   And so can learning about sex!

Why isn't this page password protected for adults only?   We just don't buy into the idea that kids won't understand the sexual jokes or that they could be harmed by them somehow.   American society regularly under-estimates our children's sexual awareness, sexual understanding and their appreciation for sexual humor.  So, kids, tell us... are we wrong?  Do you enjoy sexual humor, just as adults do?
( BTW, not ALL of the humor here is sexual anyway )

If you have a cute little "quip" (sexual in nature) that you think would fit this page, then send it to us at:  Webmaster@AllAboutSex.org  !  Keep in mind that since this page is not hidden away from children it needs to be "cute" and tasteful, not vulgar, hateful or untruthful.


Clean-Up Porn- Infested Areas
Yo Quiero
Taco Bell
The Frog Prince And The Independent Princess
Some Masturbation Humor!
Crazy Sex Laws:
Around The World
New Section:
"Adult-Only" Humor!
Advice To Young Girls
From COSMO Magazine In 1951
Kids
On
Love
Mom
Supports
Sex-Ed
A
Few
Truisms
Some
Embarassing
Moments
Some
Of My
Favorites
Which Condom
Would You
Use....??
The
Toddler's
Creed
How Sex
Became "Dirty"
Some More
Favorites
Why
Email
Is Like
A Penis





TODDLER'S CREED

If I want it, it's mine.

If I give it to you and change my mind later, it's mine.

If I can take it away from you, it's mine.

If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

If it's mine it will never belong to anyone else no matter what.

If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.

If it looks like mine, it's mine.

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A Few Truisms For Today

ABOUT SEX...

Sex is like air.         It's not important...
...unless you aren't getting any !


ON SHARING A BED WITH SOMEONE...

One good turn gets most of the blankets.


ABOUT WHAT KIDS KNOW...

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers their parents,
...it's how they found out!


ABOUT LIFE...

LIFE is sexually transmitted.


ABOUT FALLING IN LOVE...

Falling in love is awfully simple.    Falling out of love is simply awful.


ON BEING AN ADULT...

You can only be young once,   but you can be immature forever.

Only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles.


ABOUT VEGETABLE OIL PARTIES...

If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
( don't know what a "Vegetable Oil Party" is?   ...ask mom _ dad - ha! )


ABOUT A MAN'S INTEREST IN THE G-SPOT _ CLITORIS...

If a man is interested in your G-spot to the exclusion of your clitoris...

try being interested in his prostate to the exclusion of his penis!



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Some of MY Favorites...

How are women and spaghetti alike?


...they both wiggle when you eat them!


What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?


Most men have no trouble finding a bar.


What do most teenage boys think Mutual Orgasm is?


An insurance company.

( sorry guys, but I gotta tell it the way it really is! )



On the intricacies of the male / female relationship...


A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked round and didn't see anyone so he opened it.  A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill.  So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that.  Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean.  Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie,  "There is one other thing that I have always wanted...   I would like to be able to understand women.  What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult sometimes?  Basically, what makes them tick?"

The genie considered this for a few minutes and said...


"So,  do you want two lanes or four?"



Wedding Night Virgin

On her wedding night a young bride told her new husband:
    "...you'll need to be very gentle with me tonight... because I am a virgin."

The surprised husband replies:  "What??  How can that be...?  You've been married three times before!!"

"Well..." she says,  "My first husband was a psychologist and all he wanted to do was TALK about it.   My second husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was LOOK at it.   My third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was to...

... boy!   Do I ever miss my third husband!!




Typical Male Stranded On A Deserted Beach

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.  One day, out of the surf comes this gorgeous, voluptuous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years !", he cries.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes and a lighter.  He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that ever good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
Again, he replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic !"

Then she starts unzipping the long zipper runing down the front of her wet suit and says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun??"

And the man replies, "My God!   Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there !"



This Is Soooo Sad!

A man is jogging in the park when he comes across a 98 year old man weeping on a park bench.  The jogger stops to see if he is ok.
The old man replies "Life couldn't be better.  I'm living with a nineteen year old nymphomaniac!  In the morning when I wake up we have sex.  Then she brings me breakfast in bed.  After breakfast we have sex again and I have my mid-morning nap."

He continued "We normally eat out for lunch at a nice restaurant and then it's back into bed for 'afters'.  Then I spend the afternoon watching sports or old movies before she cooks dinner for me..."

"...Oh, did I mention she was a gourmet chef?"

"After dinner we have sex again and I finally collapse in bed exhausted and ready for a restful nights sleep."

Surprised, the jogger asks   "That's my idea of bliss!  Why in the world are you so upset?"

Through his tears the old man weeps "I can't remember where I live!".



The following are the first two winners of a
"Most Embarrassing Moment's" contest
in New Woman Magazine:


""While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.  I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.  I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening...

'If you don't let me go RIGHT NOW, I'll tell Grandma
that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.  Even the tellers stopped what they were doing!  I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.  The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter"

-Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia

( ...still think they don't know what's going on??? )

It was the day before my eighteenth birthday.  I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.  As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs.  I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone.  Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.  When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!'

My entire family - aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins - and all my friends were standing there!  My girlfriend and I were naked and frozen in a state of shock _ embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.

Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again!

-Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York


( ... let that be a lesson to teenagers everywhere!  ha! ... )


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Which condom would you use....??

( Got this by email the other day -- I cannot take the credit for coming up with these )

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten millon strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.

California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...

General Electric: We bring good things to life!

AT_T condom: "Reach out and touch someone."

Bounty: The quicker picker upper.

Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?

Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....

The M _ M's condom: "It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!"

Chevron: use them? people do.

Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border

MCI: for friends and family

Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter

Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are

United Airlines travel pack: Fly United

Volvo Condoms:   "Protect The Body, Ignite The Soul"

thank you, Shadow Warrior

The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before


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17 Reasons Why E-Mail is like a Penis

Some folks have it, some don't.

Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.

Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think that it's not worth the fuss
      that those who have it make about it.

Many of those who don't have it would like to try it. (e-mail envy)

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the species.
      Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for,
      but most folks today use it just for fun most of the time.

If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.

If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We tend to attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrants.

If you're not careful what you do with it,  it can get you into a lot of trouble!

If you stay on it too long your hands cramp up.

Wife gives you funny look when asked to kiss it.

If caught using someone else's; you better have a good reason.

Hard to sleep at night if it hasn't been checked in a while.

Sometimes you dream your using it, then wake up and realize you did.

The stuff you get from it is sometimes hard to swallow.


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A Few More Of My Favorites:


What do you do with 365 used rubbers ?

Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear !



What's the speed limit of sex ?

~ 68 ~


...... at 69 you have to turn around !


"Cut at 8 Days"

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee.   One says,
"Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
"I've been circumcised."
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was eight days old."
"Did it hurt?"
You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

Thanks, Helen!


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CRAZY SEX LAWS AROUND THE WORLD

This is the start of a new set of the strange, wierd and crazy sex laws around the world.   Though it may be difficult to conceive, there are actually a few societies on this earth that are MORE screwed up than American society.   These are but a few of the wierd things that have been written into law around the world as the government and politicians who control us try to "help us" be good, moral people, despite our natural tendency to Get Nasty!

We will add more of these as we become aware of them and have time to post them:

  • Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh."

  • In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

  • In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

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The Frog Prince And The Independent Princess

Once upon a time,
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,
self assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat,
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and setup housekeeping in yon castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night,
as the princess dined sumptuously
on a repast of lightly sauteed froglegs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled to herself and thought:


"...I don't fucking think so."

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